Don’t Trash Talk Starbucks If You Want a Job Anywhere

You shouldn't trash talk your employers or prospective employers in a public forum like LinkedIn. That's why you never hear me say anything bad about CapEd Credit Union, even though they separated me for posting a link to my Christmas show, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON, YOU'RE IN MIDDLETON NOW on our company intranet. I can see why they did it, even though I don't like that they did. Lesson learned, don't post links on the company intranet, especially if they refer to touchy subjects like putting your clothes on, even though the show was PG family friendly. No, I still don't get it.

Starbucks seems like it would be a safe target, considering how big they are. Everybody hates the big guy. I interviewed at two stores in the last week. Both interviews went exceedingly well. Great conversation, and the interviewers were emphatic about how much they loved my answers. Cool. Got it in the bag. I was a bit concerned when yesterday's interviewer brought up the morning shift, which begins at 3am. What I said was that I'm available to do what's needed. What I was thinking was "maybe I don't really want to work at Starbucks." The other thing I was thinking about Starbucks is that it might not be a good idea to work there, considering my coffee FOMO and how every time I drink coffee, it's great for an hour or two, and then it's nothing but regret for the rest of the day, with the sour stomach and my gut feeling like it's in a vise grip even worse than it normally feels, which is already pretty bad.

They gave me a free drink at the interview, in this case a decaf iced caramel macchiato. I'd already downed a can of Yerba Madre on my way over. Even though the free drink was decaf, I still got a sour stomach. Remind me, what's the point of decaf again?

We ran through the various STAR questions, you know:

Situation.

Task.

Action.

Result.

To weed out any non-star baristas. I've got nothing against weeding people out, unless those people happen to be me. Just give me the goddamn job, and I'll show you how it's done, once you properly train me.

The interviewer, a newly minted ASM, which stands for Assistant Store Manager, thanked me and said they'd let me know around Monday whether I made it to the next round, with the district manager. I didn't have to wait that long.

Soon after arriving back home, the phone rang, and it was the manager from the first store I interviewed with. She apologized for not getting back to me on Monday like she said she would (it was now Wednesday), and that they'd decided to proceed with someone else. I said "thank you" and to keep me in mind for the future, which by the way does not exist as far as Starbucks is concerned.

Shortly after that, I received an email from Starbucks corporate saying I hadn't been chosen for the second location, either.

There was a third location that was actually the first location, and that rejection landed a few weeks earlier. I don't know why I'm not good enough for Starbucks. Is it age? Attitude? I come across as being beyond positive and highly energetic, even though I'm not really either of those things. Must not be that.

Are they reading my LinkedIn posts and determining I'm some sort of loose cannon or too big a personality to be contained within the confines of a Starbucks store? That they really don't want the old man whose dream job is to be the compassionate yet tech savvy guy who texts you when your loved one dies in the drive thru? Could be.

Feedback no longer exists, as it could get a company sued for not hiring you. Therefore, whenever you don't get the job, you have to speculate on why. Speculate is a fancy word for assume, and we all know what that means. To speculate is to assume, but on spec. And late. Not sure what the "u" is for.

Maybe the thing I really want to do, which is tell stories, is the thing I ought to be doing. God will show me the way. Except God is busy with more important things, and pulling a 3am morning shift isn't the worst use of my time.

Starbucks, if you're listening, I'm not taking the rejection personally. I'll still stop in to use the restroom when I'm out on the road, and I might even order something now that the restrooms are customer-only. Probably not a decaf.