My career as a professional entertainer is going better than expected. So far this year, I’ve made $450 as a storyteller, $500 as an actor, and $1900 as a social security recipient. And it’s only October.
I have big plans. Shakespeare, Out of Order, a one-man, one-character show. You can see the first episode, As Macbeth, on Instagram. Don’t expect the lines to be read in any particular order.
Then there’s my Bible rewrite, but not the whole thing. I’m going to focus on the fun parts, written how I imagine Bob Dylan would write them. Difficult to understand. Kind of like it is now. And I’d set it in southwest Idaho, which is where I live, so that it’s believable. My Bible would sound like this:
God said to Noah, “build me a boat. Something big’s about to go down.”
The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island would be in it as a shipbuilder in Newport News, because that’s where they build the big boats. At least in my Bible, they do.
And the angels singing, because that’s what they do, would be the Raelettes and the Jordanaires. They’re far enough back in history to be biblical.
One of the things they tell people who are delusional is to not quit your day job. I don’t have a day job, which makes it harder not to quit, but after having announced to everyone within earshot two years ago that “I swear I will never work in IT again,” I’ve had second thoughts. So I launched a website, ordered business cards, and printed a prototype t-shirt my wife says needs to have the writing further up so people aren’t reading my crotch. I call it ITPTSD. It’s over at itptsd.com. I’m the IT guy for people who can’t stand IT guys. I’m sure there are a lot of people who can’t stand IT guys. Maybe you’re one of them. If you are, let me know. It’s called market research.
The Prince of Cumberland! That is a step on which I must fall down or else o’erleap.
That one’s from As Macbeth. Even if you’re a Shakespearean nut, you’ll have no idea what comes next, because I had ChatGPT shuffle the deck. Don’t you think that’s a better way to handle the classics?
The other thing everybody knows is that it’s hard to break into show business. That’s why I’m relying on The Andy Story, which I keep trotting out in front of different audiences. I didn’t enjoy working for Andy, even though he’s one of the most talented graphic designers to ever become famous among graphic designers. But since I was so miserable that whole time, I figure I should milk those lemons for everything they’ve got. If I can get rich and famous on Andy’s back, that would be a beautiful tribute to free enterprise.
When I set out to write this piece, I meant for it to be coherent, but clearly it’s not. It’s just me throwing a bunch of random thoughts pertaining to being a professional entertainer onto a screen and hoping that something sticks. That’s what Andy used to say about Brian Setzer, who I was a big fan of. Andy didn’t care if I was a big fan of Brian Setzer. That might even have inspired him to say what he said about Brian Setzer.
Did I mention he once sent me over Malibu Canyon on my lime green Moto Guzzi V11 Sport (with the dual carbon fiber pipes) to go pick up some reference material for the Tom Petty Deluxe box set, and when I was just a few miles from Tom Petty’s house, and I called to get the exact address, because he sent me out without giving me the address first, he said, “oh, never mind, I decided to go instead.” That’s exactly the kind of boss whose back you ought to build a grudge career on.
Whatever ends up happening to me, and however it ends up happening, I’m sure glad I decided to become a professional entertainer.