Chapter 2: The Off Ramp

The Children of Israel were hungry. Tired of wandering aimlessly in the desert for all those years with nothing to eat but crackers. Nothing against crackers, but everything gets old after a while. Moses unplugged his hearing aid. It was the only way he could hear himself think. He knew he had to come up with a plan, and quick. The Children of Israel were starting to doubt whether he really did have any idea where they were going. “I’m not Jesus, I’m only Moses,” he told himself. Nobody cared. They just wanted something, anything but crackers. He called out to God, “show me a sign.” But God was busy making manna, which the Children of Israel were also sick of. Even with His perfect hearing, he didn’t catch Moses’ cry over all the other complaints coming in from that caravan in the desert.

The caravan moved on. Moses sent for Joshua, who was younger and quicker than him. “Run up ahead, see what’s going on, and report back to me.” And so he did.

Days passed, and no sign of Joshua. Moses had just about given up when Joshua appeared, as if out of thin air. The desert will do that to you. It’s called a mirage, but in this case the mirage was real. “What’d you find?” Moses asked. He couldn’t believe his ears, even with his hearing aid cranked up all the way.

“A land of milk and honey,” Joshua recounted. “Anything and everything a man could possibly want. Less than a day’s walk from here.”

Moses gathered the Children of Israel and shared the wondrous news. The people were skeptical that such a place exists, but having come this far, they figured “might as well go all the way.” Besides, nothing out here but crackers. What the heck, “let’s do this.”

Joshua’s sense of time and distance was off. You could say it runs in the family. Three days later, Moses spotted the off ramp. “Middleton,” it read. Like a sign from God, or the Department of Transportation.

The off ramp was long and steep, and when they finally reached the top, you could see for miles in all directions. But no Middleton. Moses called Joshua aside and said “what’s the deal?”

Joshua pointed to the east, down Highway 44. Nothing but nothing, as far as Moses could see. “Trust me,” Joshua assured him. And he did. The Children of Israel, not so much, but they were excited for the milk and honey after years of nothing but crackers and the occasional manna from heaven. “Okay,” Moses said. “Blow your horn, let’s get this train wreck moving.”

Joshua lifted his shofar (a musical instrument carved out of a ram’s horn, first used shortly after the golden calf incident, so God could scare the sh*t out of the idol worshippers) to his lips and blew. And the caravan headed east down Highway 44, in search of the land of milk and honey.