Some Like It Hot Chocolate

The first time it got cold in Boise, I went into hot chocolate mode. Not having lived here before, I didn’t know where to go for a decent cup. Most would just make it themselves, from a pouch, but I’m not that kind of person. I like to leave professional things to professionals, and hot chocolate is one of those things. The problem with my approach is that there is no good hot chocolate in Boise. It’s all lowest common denominator stuff.

The following spring, when it was too warm to drink hot chocolate, my wife left for a job in LA, leaving me alone with my chest x-ray. There was a spot on the x-ray that could’ve either been my heart or my lungs. Nothing wrong with my heart, as far as I could tell, so I assumed it must be lung cancer. I made a farewell video and posted it to YouTube without telling my wife. I didn’t want her to worry.

The spot turned out not to be lung cancer, which was kind of disappointing. I like the idea of going out with a bang, and most bangs don’t get any bigger than lung cancer. What it was was allergies or some sort of low grade asthma. My brother-in-law, Ruben, suggested I drink black coffee.

I don’t like black coffee, or coffee of any sort, though years of habit make me experience coffee FOMO if I go too long without it. In this case, it had been over five years since I’d quit coffee before. Lucky for me, the allergy meds meant I could drink coffee without feeling like I’d ripped a hole in my stomach. Especially if I added sweetened condensed milk. My own version of Vietnamese coffee. So that’s what I did, and I’ll be honest. It didn’t help my allergies. The Montelukast did, but by then it was too late to quit coffee again (I finally did quit again, just a couple of months ago, because coffee made me jump through the ceiling every time somebody sent a canister through the drive through at the credit union).

Coffee and hot chocolate are generally incompatible, but I needed something to tide me over the coffee withdrawals. The thought of the overly sweet, watery coffeehouse variety didn’t appeal to me. Besides, too expensive. But I’d been experimenting with chocolate bars and sweetened condensed milk at home. This could be exactly what I needed to keep me from going through the drive through ceiling.

Chocolate bars led to cocoa powder (the dutched kind). I experimented with other sweeteners, like maple syrup and white sugar. Vanilla extract, of course. Orange extract. Butter. Got to have butter, unless you’re using sweetened condensed milk. Heavy cream, except the carton says to use it up within seven days after opening. Too much pressure.

Maybe you’re feeling terminal. Try using both cocoa powder and chocolate bars. At least 70% dark. If you’re worried that’s too dark, don’t worry. The milk and sugar will take that edge off. Adding the chocolate bar will make your hot chocolate thick, like a chocolate bar. For me, this is a no more than once a week treat. I’m not terminal.

Now that I’ve been fired from the credit union, I could go back to drinking coffee, but I don’t want to. Quitting took a lot of effort, right timing, and my Advil/Coke combination that’s derived from what little I know about methadone. Just because it works doesn’t mean you should try it.

I’m excited about where hot chocolate can lead me. I packaged my new-found knowledge into a workshop called SOME LIKE IT HOT CHOCOLATE. Pitched it around town, including to Williams Sonoma. They’ve got hot chocolate gadgets that make me a win-win for them. But you don’t need fancy gadgets. Here’s what you do. First, the equipment:

Mixing bowl. Multiple sets of measuring spoons (so you don’t have to keep washing them between ingredients). A whisk. A chocolatera, which is a saucepan with a handle you can order on Amazon. I use a stainless steel one.

Here are the ingredients:

Whole milk. Cocoa powder. Corn starch. Sweetened condensed milk. Vanilla extract. Orange extract. Pinch of salt. An at least 70% dark chocolate bar is optional for you terminal cases.

In the mixing bowl, dump 2-1/2 tablespoons of cocoa powder, 2 tablespoons of sweetened condensed milk, and one teaspoon of corn starch. Add some milk for ease of mixing. Mix it together with your whisk. Add 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract and 1/8 teaspoon of orange extract. A little goes a long way. Add your pinch of salt.

You should probably invest in a probe thermometer.

In the chocolatera, while you were mixing the other ingredients, you should have started 500ml of whole milk on a low-medium fire. I like to use the griddle portion of the stove so that flames don’t go up the sides of the chocolatera. Your chocolatera isn’t meant for flames to be going up the sides. Once your milk reaches somewhere between 130-140F, add the chocolate sauce you made in the mixing bowl.

Oh, one small thing. You should probably sift the cocoa before you add it to the mixing bowl. I forget to do that sometimes. If you forget, that’s how come there might be lumps in your finished product.

Continue to heat till the temperature reaches between 170-180F. That way it’s hot without burning your chocolatera. If you do burn your chocolatera, it’s not a huge deal, but it’s easier to clean if you manage the temperature. I like to pour the hot chocolate into a Yeti mug so that it stays hot for hours. 500ml is a lot of hot chocolate for one person.

This may or may not be important, but I’ve been calling my drink hot chocolate, whether I use a chocolate bar or not. Some people call it hot cocoa. That’s probably more technically correct. When you add the chocolate bar, some people call it drinking chocolate. There’s a lot of confusion with the naming conventions. For the purpose of our conversation, I’ll call it hot chocolate, because hot cocoa sounds like something a five year old would say because that’s what grandma calls it. We’re more sophisticated than that.

For the right amount of money, I would be happy to come to your demonstration kitchen and perform my SOME LIKE IT HOT CHOCOLATE workshop. I’ll give you an even better deal if you bring a film crew and provide me with usable footage.

If you’re pre-diabetic, like me, you probably shouldn’t drink hot chocolate every day or at all. But I think the benefits far outweigh the risks of becoming a food scold. Don’t be a food scold. Drink hot chocolate.