The Story Behind The Story of The Push Button Pee Pee

I was having breakfast with my friend Jim and our wives. Jim’s a famous notary who you’ve probably heard of. He works with people like Taylor Swift. Willie Nelson. George Clooney. Not the actual Taylor Swift, Willie Nelson, or George Clooney, but people like them. I’m not going to give you his full name, otherwise he’d get inundated with requests for free advice, and he already gets enough of that.

Jim said, “You should do a podcast version of your peepee story.”

By that he means The Story of the Push Button Peepee. Something I did on YouTube right before I got fired from the credit union. In fact, even though they say it was because of my Christmas show, Put Your Clothes On, You’re in Middleton Now, I suspect The Story of the Push Button Peepee may have been the real reason. But they couldn’t say so because of ageism. Maybe I do have grounds for a wrongful termination lawsuit.

Someone from the credit union has been stalking me on LinkedIn, viewing my profile every few days. One of the HR people. I’m not going to say who. You know who you are.

After about the third or fourth view, I sent her a connection request. She neither accepted nor declined, but she viewed my profile again. I think they’re monitoring my posts to make sure I don’t embarrass them.

Should’ve thought of that before you fired me, don’t you think?

When I first started telling The Story of the Push Button Peepee, I made it about an imaginary friend named Dick who pays a visit to the urologist due to personal problems. In reality, the story’s about me, which is maybe why it could have been uncomfortable or a violation of the credit union’s code of ethics.

Nobody ever sat me down and gave me the specifics of what exactly I did or said that upset people so much. I did and said a lot of things in the course of my duties.

Usually, it just meant William the assistant manager saying, “Hey Louis, got a couple of seconds? Lock your screen.”

I’d lock my screen and come over to his desk for a coaching session on some sort of nonsense having to do with the members, who all loved me, by the way.

It’s a done deal. I’m over it.

The morning after I did the Put Your Clothes On, You’re in Middleton Now show, and before I had a chance to post the YouTube link to our company intranet, I took a couple of hours of PTO so I could go visit Dr. Muncey, the urologist. I wanted to know my options for solving personal problems.

“There are three different ways,” Dr. Muncey told me.

He’s a young guy. As far as I can tell, he has no personal problems. So why try to help me with mine? That’s what doctors do, I suppose. But I can’t help but think it’s a form of sadism to help people with stuff you might never experience. We can come back to that.

The first option is to take a pill. Tadalafil would have been great for both problems, but unfortunately it can make you deaf. That’s what it did to me. Not all the way deaf, but deaf enough to bother me.

As it is, my wife once made me go to the audiologist for a hearing check. She thinks I need hearing aids. I disagree.

But since she asked me, I went, and the doctor said I had the hearing of a 30-year-old married man. Which is what I expected.

Instead of one pill, my case would require two. One for one problem and another for the other.

I don’t mind pills, especially now that I’m on so many allergy meds. They’re just pills. So what if they blow out my kidneys or puncture my liver?

Those allergy pills calm me down to the point where I no longer care about side effects, which in itself is a great side effect.

“What are my other options, doc?” Just out of curiosity. People get great results from the pills.

“The second option is a triple shot. Three drugs in a vial that you store in the freezer. When you’re ready to use it, you take the vial out of the freezer, rub it between your hands, and inject it.”

I’m all for anything in a vial. It just sounds cool.

“So okay, I’m ready to go. I take the vial out of the freezer, rub it between my hands like this, then inject it into my arm, and off we go?”

The doctor’s shaking his head. “Not your arm.”

Then he describes where you do inject it, and the side effects, which are scarring and curvature.

Now I’m shaking my head.

“I’m happy with the direction I currently point. What’s the third option?”

Here’s where Dr. Muncey got real excited.

“It’s a procedure where we install a pump and saline packet.”

Then he whipped out his laptop and showed me the video — not of the procedure itself, but the benefits.

“So doc, what you’re saying is that you install this pump and saline packet, and then what? I gotta carry around some sort of pack, like my CPAP machine?”

“No, that’s not how it works. We go in through your scrotum and install the pump, along with the saline packet, and there’s a button for when you want to go up, and a button for when you want to go down.”

I’m paraphrasing.

“What happens if I hit the wrong button?”

I’ll be honest — he lost me at the word scrotum. Just hearing it made me hurt down there.

This is too big a decision to make by myself. I need Penny to tell me what to do.

Luckily, she didn’t want me to have the procedure. At least, that’s what she said. You know how women are. Say one thing, mean something else.

Here’s a case where I’ll just take her at her word.

Getting fired isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you.

But having a procedure might be.